How to tell that she or he is the right one for you!
Introduction
We have talked and shared a lot, haven’t we? Today, we wanna look at something more serious; telling that she or he is the right one for you!
Yes, many people can counsel you on many relationship matters but, surely, few have a hint on how to tell that that woman or man you have fallen for is the right one for you!
Surprised! Oh no, you should not be.
Yes, even if you Google, you won’t find the answers (at least not so easily) and this is not because the answer don’t exist; they are very many and confusing!
And let me ask; aren’t you lucky that I, your blood friend, know the answer? Of course you are. I am kidding; I do not know anything! Anyway, relax and read on; you are at the right place.
Actually, the Google we talked of above has the answers, I mean wrong answers!
You see, there is a problem with love and relationship online! What is it? It is lies!
Many websites that talk about love, dating, relationships, sex and romance do so in the context of regular dating. What! Yes, I said it; regular dating.
In regular dating, the success is counted when you hit on a beautiful lady, date or con her and convince her into saying, oh my God, this is the guy. And yes, tactically walk her into your room and bang her, I mean have sex with her.
Some a little bit better counselors of the above type shall go ahead and teach you the secrets, tricks and lies that shall keep that woman or guy in love with you till the next, the third, the fourth, the fifth bang or even a one, two, three or 4 years-marriage, but, oh dear, here we are different!
How?
What we are talking about here is called Christian dating and marriage!
We are talking about finding that one guy or woman that God has set aside for you and that you both are gonna be one flesh forever till death does you apart! Got it? Yes, I believe you did.
For the above reason, take our advice seriously and compare it to none for our mission is to reflect Jesus’ thoughts and wisdom in whatever we encourage you to do.
Oh my God, I think we have had enough introductions already, let us move on.
But before I move on to the secret, I want to warn you. What!
Finding the right one does not guarantee a bed of roses in your marriage; you still need commitment and the will of both of you to work it out. Marriage is hard work; I mean God’s hard work in you.
In other words, there is no secret code that will land you on a peaceful and magical queen or King and the rest is passive; marriage is worked for.
The point here is that your mindset should actually be to find God’s will not necessary the magical code!
The woman that’s right for you
Yes, the concept of finding the right one for you is God’s concept (Genesis 2:18). Yes, even though finding the right one does not necessarily mean lack of challenges, disagreements and temptations in marriage, it certainly means the result of everything shall be for your good since you are in God’s will.
NB: This article fits so well for both women and men searching for their right ones. For more specifics, The Praying Woman has a specific article for ladies on How To Know That He Is The Right Man For You. Check it out.
The bible has ‘hundreds’ of marriages, starting with that of Adam and Eve, Abraham and Sarah, Isaac and Rebekah, Moses and zipporah, Jacob and Rachel plus so many other biblical giants that set us good examples in relation to dating and marriage and we are going to borrow their stories where we can to make the point.
I can confidently say that all the above men of God found their right ones, but how did they do that?
If you follow my writings closely, you know I don’t trust step by step guides unless it is mechanical or about how to do something that does not involve people who think or reason. For God’s sake, I do not think there are steps which if done properly and in order can automatically lead you to the right one!
Surprised? Oh no, you should not be.
So what in heaven am I going to tell you now?
The answer is simple; the principle!
Yes, you heard me well. Everyone has his unique way of dating, finding the swam or the prospects, outing, chatting, and even convincing ladies or gentlemen to fall for him or her but principles, I mean right principles for right dating and marriage should never be overridden.
So what now?
The only one magical principle to land on your Mr. or Mrs. Right: Sameness
According to the story of Adam in Genesis Chapter 2, it is said that Adam was not able to find a soulmate from the many animals that God had created. And I suppose God Himself did not see someone fit for Adam among those animals.
And so God effected his plan; “I will make a helper who is right for him” (Genesis 2:18). The point here is that the woman is a helper and right one for Adam.
By the way, on what principle did Adam base to tell there was no right help among the beasts and animals?
According to the bible stories and things about beasts and animals of those days, it seems animals would help at least with most of the activities that people do like; fetching water, digging, preparing and collecting food, keeping company, protection, and so much more.
But there is something that still was missing and it meant a lot to man, to Adam!
And so the question remains; helper in what?
I have read the expositions of John Gill and Matthew Henry in relation to that verse 18 and they paraphrase it this way; “one to help him in all the affairs of life, providing things useful and comfortable for him, including sex” (John Gill).
And Matthew brings out what I really wanna say very well; “a help like him, one of the same nature and the same rank of beings, including cohabiting” (Matthew Henry).
The point from the above verse is that God created a woman who was right for Adam in the way she would fit so perfectly well in Adam’s mission or work or life.
The above confirms the principle; she is the right one for you if she fits so well in your mission or vision or life purpose or work. That is the principle. In one word, the principle is SAMENESS.
What does it mean to be the same?
Sameness is core. Yes, it is the heart and the center of being. Sameness is not affected by our differences in food likes, clothing, money and school decisions, quietness and talkative, rich and poor, social and aloneness, and so many other shallow differences. Sameness refers to the heart; the overall intention for our living.
And when a man shares this sameness with his wife, believe me, not even differences in sleeping positions shall separate them! So funny! Yeah, I know.
I mean there is a way they work it out together and make life livable and enjoyable for each other.
Yes, when time for dating comes, the girl that shall storm your heart is that one who fits so well in what you regard highly valuable.
Let us make an example: If you treasure being a Christian, faithful, cheerful, helpful, hardworking, gracious, and other traits, then it is not even possible to take in someone who cheats, does not respect work, is arrogant and treats people and friends badly, and is not a Christian or a believer.
Do you get the point? Yes, the point is sameness.
Important! The secret is in knowing who you are first and what you regard important in life and then search for the perfect reflection of that in your mate. That is God’s will.
In the article Good Men And Women Still Exist, we discovered that the challenge is not actually about them but about us. For if we are good and the right ones, it is easy to identify a soul-mate that fits so well in our wishes.
Yet some of us don’t even know ourselves or the purpose for our lives! For God’s sake, on what ruler, measure, or guidelines do you spot someone that is right for you?
How do you discover sameness?
To tell you the truth, there is no specific answer to the above question. This is not because the answer does not exist, but because many answers do exist. And they are confusing!
During dating and courtship, the two people have their unique way of connecting and discovering themselves. And that is why you shall need to know how to best handle your first date evening.
In our past articles about dating, we highlighted that the success of any dating depends so much on how well the two people know and accept each other. Asked about the period this should take, we also confidently said that there was no specific time or period for this as some can take even one night to fully discover themselves and others take months or even years. For God’s sake, the time spent in dating does not necessarily mean successful marriage.
Genesis Chapter 24: The story of Isaac finding Rebekah
Talking about how to discover sameness, the story of Isaac and his wife Rebekah recorded in the book of Genesis Chapter 24 has some helpful guidelines. Let us examine them;
- Understand who you are and the partner you want
According to that story, Abraham asked one of his trusted servants to find a right woman for Isaac.
The number one guideline was to get the wife from those that shared beliefs (relatives) with Abraham (verse 4). Asked about if Isaac should instead move to the woman’s country in case she refused to come, Abraham cites their life’s mission and purpose (verses 7-8) and so the right woman shall have to fit so well in Isaac’s life mission or purpose-sameness (refer to our notes above).
2. Prepare to work for what you want
So the servant prepared and worked out the journey. Yes, in our article called The 6 Grave Mistakes Christians Should Avoid In Relation To Dating (link), we highlighted that waiting on God to work it out through a miracle or vision and bring you a partner is crazy.
Yes, we emphasized that some work needs to be done; going to where there are prospects! Sounds crazy? Yeah, but that is the fact. You have to work for your relationship.
3. Pray
Prayer is the number one guideline in everything. It is just that most of us abuse prayer by expecting replies to come in thunderstorm or some kind of overwhelming gigantic vision.
When we pray and present our desires, fears, needs, and everything to God, He arranges our lives, other people and even situations in a way that we get answered.
In other words, the daily encounters among people or things are all arranged in a way to lead you somewhere.
So the servant prays and a specific prayer; “Lord, God of my master Abraham, allow me to find a wife for his son today” (verse 12).
4. Have your definitions of a right woman/man for you
As I already highlighted, you should a picture or a theorized value that you need in a woman. Is she helpful? Does she take care of other people’s needs? Does she love God? Does she cherish hard work, faithfulness or responsibility? You know better the values you treasure most.
As already emphasized, it is hard to tell at this point especially if you yourself are not the right one. For God’s sake, the bad can’t easily identify the good in others. Think about it.
So the servant lays out his signs; yes, the woman that shall allow me a drink and perhaps do so for my camels too (verse 14). That is the power of a prayer and following God’s will.
You may not know it, but the bible says that “God controls and directs the heart of a King just the same way He does control flowing water in a gully” (paraphrased).
In other words, God in His marvelous ways directs your thoughts in defining your signs, the good traits of a good woman, the wisdom during dating and courtship and everything. It may look like you are working it out yourself but God is the one working out everything.
5. Recognize her or him when she shows up!
For most of us, this is where the tragedy is. Yes, you prayed for a right woman or man and set up your signs and characters and God heard you and delivered the bride or groom, but you know what! Up to now, you don’t know that she is the one next to you.
Personally, I think the number one cause of this is in not knowing ourselves first.
As I have already emphasized, many people are out here yelling; “I am waiting for the right one. She is the right type for me. Oh no, I don’t think that guy was the right one. Oh no, it looks I made a mistake on her; she is not the one God meant for me”. And I usually ask; are you the right one? The bad cannot easily identify the good in others and the opposite is true.
In other words, it is possible that she or he is the right one for you, but you could not identify her because you are not ready to work for your relationship or marriage or simply you are the bad one. Yes, marriage is worked for.
And so stop being too picky and selective (Christian mistake number 3 in relation to dating), define clearly yourself and what you really want in a woman, and hold onto to the lady or man next to you. High chances are she or he could be the one, otherwise why on earth would you still be stuck together up to now? Interesting, right? Think about it.
So the servant recognizes Rebekah as she shot herself out; she was beautiful (pretty), virgin (I don’t know how he knew she was virgin, but I think the best sign those days would be a woman who has known no man or never identified with men. It is also possible that the writer here is telling us the woman’s attributes and not necessarily what the servant saw himself), focused and hard working, respectful, kind and generous, and yet so queenly (verses 15-20).
6. Taking some time to confirm she is the one
On this, we believe that the time taken for dating, courting and general observation of each other does not count so much. What counts is how well you get to know and accept each other. And as we already highlighted, some people take one day to know each other well while others may take months, years or even forever before they can confess; waoh, I think she or he is the one for me!
So the servant ‘quietly watched her. He wanted to be sure she was the one” (verse 21)
7. Thanksgiving
Yes, it is a good habit to be grateful to God for answering your prayer and also to the woman or man for accepting to be the one. In this story, the servant blessed Rebekah with gifts and also thanked God in a wonderful prayer (verses 22-26).
Actually, I personally think this story is the detailed account of dating, courtship, introductions and thanksgiving with gifts, deciding on marriage, parents and family’s blessings and complete union of man and woman for nothing else, but love.
Yes, the servant went ahead and thanked the relatives of Rebekah, her family sought her choice and decision in this, and when she said yes, she was joined with her loving husband (Isaac) who “loved her so much and was comforted by her presence after his mother’s death” (verses 53, 57-58,65, and 67).
Summary
The duty of finding the right woman or man for you is both easy and not easy at the same time. Sometimes, we can complicate things when actually they were easy. All we need to know is to seek God’s will in this matter and the above guidelines that helped Abraham’s servant find a perfect match for Isaac can be helpful.
Just remember the principle; sameness!
Do not think about it as if it is a hard task of following rules and guidelines. Actually, author Jordan Gray in his 2013 article called How To Know If She Is Right One For You emphasizes the first sign as the easiness is hooking up! Check out his article.
In other words, the right one shall not come from mars or some kind of overwhelming lightening, no, she could be the one next to you; read the article called The 5 Top Places You Are Likely To Meet Someone That Shall Be Your Future Soul-Mate. It will be helpful too.
In relation to finding the right one for you, I have found these other two writers helpful; Pastor Steven J. Cole and Dr. Juli Slattery. Read their articles too.
Thank you so much and God bless you
Love and Relationships is an initiative of Miklah
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