Is Physical Beauty or Attractiveness an Important Factor in Dating and or Marriage Relationships?

Many people, probably including your pastor, parent or councilor have claimed that physical beauty is not an important factor when it comes to choosing a partner, I mean a right partner for dating and or marriage relationship. Seriously, I don’t see a pastor (or any other ‘serious’ elder) asking you, are you attracted to her physically? At least, most pastors will ask, do you love her? And, forgetting that it is actually possible to love someone but when you are not physically attracted to him or her, you will immediately respond: Yes, Pastor, I do love her! And off the counselling session or the wedding itself will begin!

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In general, pastors and most elders are reserved when it comes to their take and emphasis on physical beauty or attractiveness and what it means for dating and or marriage relationships. I definitely don’t remember my mom or dad emphatically advising me to look for a beautiful wife! Maybe, they are right to distance themselves from this ‘bomb’; unraveled wrongly, physical beauty can blind us and cause us more destruction than total lack of it! Nevertheless, in this article, I will explore this amazing and exciting topic!

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The negative connotations regarding physical beauty and its cherishing are more common among Christian circles. For example, cites and emphasizes Stephen Altrogge, Tim Challies and Mike McKinley (two respectable pastors and authors) insist that people, particularly men, need to seriously consider spiritual beauty and not physical beauty when dating or choosing a marriage partner.

A deeper exploration of these pastors’ writings, for example, Tim Challies’ article, reveals why they insist on spiritual beauty; physical beauty can blind us to the imperishable beauty of spirit! This, I suppose, is the same reason (the tendency of physical body blinding us to inside beauty) why many Christian counselors, including my most favorite, Pastor and theologian John Piper, wouldn’t hesitate to question young men and women’s emphasis on physical attractiveness!

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Apparently, these great pastors are ‘suffering for nothing’! When all is said and done, physical beauty or attractiveness is still the hottest thing first considered before deciding to pursue a lady X or gentleman Y (Weeden and Sabini, 2005). There is a lot of evidence (biblical and non-biblical) that insists that physical beauty could be a relevant factor when choosing your mate for dating and or marriage.

In this short write-up, we will answer four questions: 1. What non-biblical evidence shows that physical beauty could be an important factor when choosing partners for dating and or marriage? 2. What biblical evidence exists to show the relevancy of physical beauty in dating and or marriage relationships 3. What is this physical beauty? 4. Is physical beauty or attractiveness an important factor in dating and or marriage?

Non-biblical evidence for the relevancy of physical beauty or attractiveness in dating and or marriage relationships

In their 2009 study on what influenced romantic attraction, Luo and Zhang (2009) reported this: “The strongest predictor of attraction for both sexes was partners’ physical attractiveness”. After all, romance or sexual satisfaction is one grand factor and reason for marriage (Tiffany Montgomery, 2020 and Islam S., 1992), even in the Bible (Proverbs 5:18-19)!

Leslie Margolin and Lynn White, in their 1987 paper, the continuing role of physical attractiveness in marriage, found out that physical attractiveness determined important areas of marriage such as sexual interest, happiness in sexual relationship, and, to some extent, faithfulness patterns, especially among men! There are hundreds or maybe thousands many more studies (for example, this one, this one, and this one) that attest to this truth; physical beauty or attractiveness is an important factor during mate selection for dating and or marriage! As a matter of fact, Pelliroux et al. (2011) discovered that physical attractiveness and socio-economic stability were the two topmost priorities when deciding on a mate worldwide!

Even if physical beauty wasn’t to be a priority on anyone’s checklist, I argue, it is at least the number one thing that first invites us to explore the rest of what we call core values or inner beauty of the person we are interested in. Without charming physical attractiveness, we have already lost the opportunity or ‘first time impression’ to be able to present out the rest of who we are!

And this is true, not for gentiles alone, but also for Christians! At least Christian author (authored ‘Not Yet Married‘) and editor at Desiring God, Marshall Segal, agrees that it is ridiculous to go in for someone who you aren’t attracted to. Get it directory from his lips (or hands):

“Given the common assumptions and practices in our society today, including the church, I do not believe a man (or woman) should begin a dating relationship with someone to whom they are not physically attracted. If he admires other things about her, I’m all for him befriending her and getting to know her in safe, unambiguous, non-flirtatious ways (probably in groups). But I believe physical attraction, at least in the vast majority of cases, is one critical piece in discerning whether to date or marry someone.”

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Apparently, the emphasis on physical attractiveness is higher among men than it is among women (Sarir et al., 2018). Talking about men having much more interest in physical beauty of the women they choose than women in men they choose, we can easily see it from dating apps! When we deeply explore social media apps that are dedicated to dating and relationships, women like to show off their bodily beauties, implying their knowledge and awareness of what men really want! On the other hand, a deep exploration of a man’s profile will likely reveal his achievements and, of course, caring! This doesn’t mean that women don’t consider physical attractiveness of men during dating; it simply says that, on average, men are more likely to emphasize physical beauty than women!

Apparently, women, when under the influence of parental investment theory, a theory that insists that the sex that invests more in its offspring will be more selective when choosing a mate, can be affected by framing effect, an irrational decision-making impulse or bias that tends to pull us towards positively connoted options, and highly consider physical beauty for the benefit of their offspring. In other words, while men may consider physical beauty for pleasure, women might do for that and even more; their offspring. In other words, when a woman meets a handsome man, the question she is wondering about is, what is it like to have a baby boy or girl with this cute guy? Surprisingly, some research shows that women are like this only when in follicular phase of their menstrual cycle and not in luteal or taking contraceptives, the times they can’t be pregnant (Glassenberg et al., 2010)!

Bottom-line: It doesn’t matter the motivation, both men and women are quickly and immediately influenced by physical beauty or attractiveness when deciding on dating and or marriage partners.

Biblical evidence underpinning the relevance of beauty in dating and or marriage relationships

Bible does not shy away from talking about and emphasizing physical beauty or attractiveness. A deep scanning of the Bible from the first book, Genesis, to the last one, Revelation, entails some important biblical figures and their take on physical beauty. Starting with Genesis, when God presents Eve to Adam, he (Adam) is easily attracted to the physical likeness of the woman. In his words, Adam confesses: This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man (Genesis 2:23). In the same book, Abram calls his wife ‘beautiful‘ to look at, exactly implying the physical attractiveness of Sarai (Genesis 12:11, 14, 15).

In Genesis 24:16, Isaac’s servant describes Rebekah as ‘damsel‘ (young unmarried woman) and ‘pretty‘. Of course, there is no doubt that the beauty talked of here includes inner beauty or character. And yet this same beauty talked of doesn’t exclude the physical outer beauty!

Genesis 39:6 calls Joseph ‘well built‘ and ‘handsome‘ (Devotional Bible). King James version says he was ‘goodly’ and ‘well-favored’. In 1 Samuel 9:2, Saul is described as a ‘fine young man who stood head taller and was better than other men in the land‘.

Again, beauty here includes the inner beauty and reverence for God. And yet doesn’t exclude the fact that they (Joseph and Saul) were physically taller and good looking guys! David is referred to as young, tanned (brown), and handsome (1 Samuel 16:12; 17:42). By the way, I don’t remember anywhere the Bible attributes the physical quality of tallness as a beauty feature for women. Remind me.

In the same book, Abigail, the wife of the foolish and cruel man, Nabal, is regarded as wise and beautiful (1 Samuel 25:3). When David noticed Bathsheba while she was bathing, he saw ‘physical beauty‘ in or on her! (2 Samuel 11:2).

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King Solomon’s book, Song of Solomon, is full of melodies and descriptions of physical beauty and attractiveness of both men and women.

For example, in Chapter 4, the beauty of a woman is described like this: ‘Your breasts are like two fawns. Your Lips are like red silk threads. Your teeth are white like newly sheared sheep. Your eyes are like doves. And your hair like a flock of goats streaming down mount Gilead‘. In the same book, Chapter 5:10, man’s handsomeness is described as follows: ‘My lover is healthy and tan. His head is like the finest gold. His hair is wavy and black. His eyes are like doves. His cheeks are like beds of spices. His hands, his lips, his legs, his body are all wonderfully beautiful’ (verse 10-15; a little paraphrased). And, listen to this one, his mouth is sweet to kiss and I desire him very much (verse 16).

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Importantly, we need to note that, in almost all the above verses, God isn’t the one saying or describing those men and women as beautiful, pretty, and with good figure and face or even big bums and hips!

Yes, the whole Bible is God’s inspired word. But, in some cases (for example, these ones), God is simply telling us what men did or didn’t do or thought! And sometimes, He is standing beside such stories without approving or disapproving them!

For example, when Adam confesses that Eve is awesomely fit for him, God doesn’t say No or Yes. Even for Esther, Abraham’s wife, Sarai, Job’s daughters or even Saul in his young age, the authors of the books are the ones using the words to describe their characters and not necessarily God! And yet all of this doesn’t mean it isn’t God speaking! All God’s word is His inspired word! So, what does it mean?

To properly interpret the emphasis on physical beauty by Bible, especially in the Old Testament, we will look at how New Testament preachers interpreted such verses!

For example, 1 Peter 3:3-4 says that ‘it is not fancy hair, gold jewelry, or fine cloths that should make you beautiful. No, your beauty should come from within you – the beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit that will never be destroyed and is very precious to God! In other words, while we as men can be driven by physical beauty, what counts most is the inner beauty. And it is this inner beauty that means a lot to God.

Indeed, God had made this whole observation in relation to Eliab, David and or any other person’s outside physical appearance:

‘Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the LORD seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the LORD looketh on the heart‘ (1 Samuel 16:7). These are words directly from God! God knows very well that we look on the outside and get convinced, but He looks further than that!

He (God) doesn’t say that considering the outside beauty is bad or irrelevant; He (God) simply says that it doesn’t concern him like the inside beauty does. Therefore, Peter goes ahead and instructs: ‘For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening’ (1 Peter 3:5-6). In other words, going back to Sarah and her beauty, Peter is saying that she wasn’t just beautiful on the outside, but beautiful in the way that she was submissive to her husband and, of course, to God. This is the true beauty that God celebrates or cherishes.

What is Physical Beauty? When is someone beautiful?

To answer this, we need to remind ourselves that ‘true beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder‘, a phrase originally attributed to the Greek Philosopher, Plato, and, later, to Irish Novelist, Margaret Wolfe Hungerford still stands. Basically, this phrase means that ‘beauty is relative‘, and what is beautiful to me may not necessarily be beautiful to you! In this case, when we talk of a woman or man’s physical beauty, we are referring to what BEAUTY means to you and you alone!

That said, we can’t run away from the fact that modern day interpretation of beauty, sexy, attraction, and all things physical beauty influences our own perceptions and or decisions regarding what is beautiful or attractive and what isn’t.

As Tim Challies argues, when we say ‘someone is or isn’t attractive’, we are unconsciously or unknowingly factoring in all that the society, media, and modern day culture has prescribed for us as ‘beauty’ or ‘sexy’ or ‘attractive’, pushing us towards an almost similar way of understanding sexy or attractiveness.

Additionally, in science and psychology, the aim is for us to have one consensus, one objective truth that we can all scream as ‘beautiful’ or not. If we left everything, particularly beauty, to subjectivity, argues The School of Life, we cannot have the motivation to pursue that which is exceedingly good. Subjectivity kills the arguments and pursuit; each one of us screams, ‘it depends’, and off we disperse, with no more thirst for what is beyond our own perceptions or capabilities or mind’s grasp!

Therefore, in line with the above observations, we are inclined to generally define what we mean by physical beauty even though, in practice, it may not be true for everyone.

READ THIS TOO: Should I Pursue or Chase after a Guy?

To men and women alike, being young, a little tall, and of considerate weight are attractive physical qualities. In particular, men like young and a little thin ladies (Kurzban and Weeden, 2005). Surprisingly and evolutionary, men are designed to quickly scan the fertility and reproduction features whenever they see a woman; the breasts, hips, waist and, yeah, the bums! Face is the exception to this rule!

Talking about face or the broader physiognomy, the practice of judging a person’s character or personality based on outer appearance, especially of the face, a lot is out! However, narrowing ourselves down to beauty and attractiveness, research has showed that there are indeed faces that are attractive and those that aren’t. For example, writes Alison Pearce Stevens, symmetrical faces (both face sides resemble each other), and faces with averageness (average sizes of face features and their arrangement) are generally regarded as beautiful and attractive. Indeed, a 2011 study by Little and colleagues highlighted these features as well (Little et al., 2010)!

Also, youthfulness or looking young and sexually dimorphic face (looking womanly for a woman and looking manly for a man) are attractiveness as well (Munos-Reyes et al., 2015). Of course, you must have heard a boys’ commentary, ‘she looks like a man’, referring to a lady who probably, according to these boys, isn’t attractive enough! The same can be said of a man who, to ladies, looks like a woman! This is sexual morphism at play!

Adornment or the use of accessories, for example, jewelry, make-up or artificial hair, nails, teeth or what, to enhance beauty is generally regarded as attractive to most men and women alike. The difference could be in the type, the quantity and quality, and the body parts involved in this beauty enhancement exercise, but the general take is that ‘men love a certain level or type of adornment’ on women. And, mind you, adornment is as old as humans themselves!

About other body parts, a 2016 study revealed that ladies with fairly big breasts, ‘enough’ hips and small waist (waist to hips ratio between 0.65 and 0.75), long hair, good smile, and ‘nice voice’ are physically attractive (Garza et al., 2016), and make men’s head turn around. In 2017, Jessica Leigh explored 6 studies and 6 physical qualities that make women irresistible: Fairly big hips, high voice, healthy hair, good smile, less make-up, and wearing red are sexy features! As we will see, the Bible has these descriptions as well.

On the other hand, according to Belot and Francescon (2006), for women, man’s physical beauty is young, a little tall, and with some muscular body (especially towards the upper part of the body, also called waist to chest ratio). Additionally, women like a man whose abdomen is flat (not protruding), hairlessness on abdomen and chest, broad shoulders, and of course, good posture and ‘manly’ (a little bit deep) voice. A detailed Wikipedia article on physical attractiveness deeply explores these issues (including genitalia preferences).

Well, back to how we started, true beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder. While the above are general ways that people are described as being beautiful or attractive, there is surely no clear way to pinpoint features X or Y as the ones that make one beautiful or attractive. What we all agree on is physical beauty and its relevance or influence, but the physical features or qualities that make one beautiful or attractive is a long debate!

What does it mean? Is physical beauty an important factor?

When all is said, considering the available scientific studies and Biblical evidence pinpointing the relevance of physical beauty, it is wise to say that, for us humans, the outer beauty (physical attractiveness) is a ‘prerequisite’ to understanding the inner beauty of any person of interest in relation to dating and marriage relationships. Note that this is in dating and or marriage relationships only, not our usual relationships with each other!

The fact is that every married man, including the ‘holiest’ pastor or ‘man of God’ looked at his wife’s beauty first before he even considered any other inner quality. Indeed, studies show that beautiful women have access to or have the advantage of ‘first time impression’, which is an invitation for men to explore more of their qualities. The same may apply for men.

When you meet a woman, you don’t first wonder if she respects God or elders or can cook well. Instead, you are immediately caught up unaware by her beauty, leaving you wondering if there could be more behind such great physical body. A woman’s inner qualities are likely to go un-noticed if she isn’t physically attractive since she does not have the chance to present herself.

This ‘first’ and ‘shallow’ and ‘temporary’ physical beauty or attractiveness, if worked out well and properly, is later built into permanent beauty and attractiveness, the one that goes beyond age and all forms of physical disfigurement. We will discuss this when we explore the relevance of physical beauty to good sex or romantic relationship, and how to extend this temporary attractiveness into permanent one! In part 2 and 3, we will examine the advantages (benefits) and disadvantages (dangers) of being physically beautiful or attractive!

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