The Desire for Sex is Pleasure in Itself, Not Necessarily the Act of Sex!

The desire for sex is pleasure in itself and not necessarily the act of sex. Kill desirability and sex has no meaning. Maybe that is why Jesus said that by a mere look and longing for a woman X or man Y, we have already committed adultery, I mean already had sex with them!

And C. S Lewis makes it even clearer in his ‘Weight of Glory’ when he writes: “The proper rewards are not simply tacked on to the activity for which they are given, but are the activity itself in consummation”.

John Piper, Yaro Starak, and the Alchemist on Desire for Sex

John Piper, Yaro, and the Alchemist writer agree. Pleasure is not in the final destination, but also in the journey itself, in the longing, in the quest, in the chase!

Actually, Piper makes it sexier when he emphasizes that, during sex, we claim climax as a confirmation that all along we have been enjoying.

Taking this deeper, it is very necessary for a man or a woman to create this desirability before the real act of sex for it is the essence of good sex. Rape and defilement, Piper notes, don’t make good sex for the same reason of undesirability. To desire is to enjoy and, in sex, is to have sex. Because rape and defilement take away desirability, involved ‘players’ don’t enjoy the full pleasure of sex!

In the book ‘there is pleasure in pain‘, I argue that there is joy, pleasure, and some kind of satisfaction along the way and not necessarily when we have completed the race.

Actually, Yaro Starak takes this deeper and says; the real reason man cannot settle down with one success is because the joy and fulfillment in life does not come with the final success but the chase after success.

So when we hit the climax, we yearn for new chases, new adventures, new tasks, new challenges, for it is in the longing and quest that our lives find meaning.

During sex, the prayer is this; I wish it doesn’t end. Delayed orgasm means ‘long-term’ enjoyment. The desire, the quest, the longing and the hotness is the real pleasure, and not necessarily the act or its completion.

The need to create ‘Desire for Sex’ in a relationship!

Surely, if sex is to be pleasurable and last, desire is of paramount importance, and couples need to invest in nothing else but in creation and maintenance of desire, that longing for sex.

The practical part of this is this; both man and woman need to create, grow and maintain desirability in the relationship, for it is a necessity for good sex. The question is; how do you create desirability that it never fades away? How do you nurture the sexy, attractive, and romantic part of a relationship all the way?

How do you create and maintain desire to the point that sex and the pleasure associated with it are both real even before the act of sex so that, as Piper recognizes, having sex is simply a climax of it and not the beginning?

READ THIS TOO: Is love capable of ending?

Men and women alike have tried sexy dressing and sexy looks, enough and innovative foreplay before the act of sex, being exotic, vulgar, pornographic, and all sorts of ideas as have been suggested by various sex educators and mentors in that area. However, the struggle continues.

While these options have worked for some people and for some time, they aren’t reliable. Sexy body and clothing perishes with age, ‘Vulgarism‘ (if it exists!) works for some time and then stops, pornography, masturbation and all forms of stimulation work for some and, again, not all the time. Some of them, for example, masturbation, anal sex, multi-sexual partners or wife swapping can be dangerous in terms of health and addiction.

Importantly, for Christians, some of the above suggestions are not right! In Christian faith, pornography, masturbation, wife swapping, anal sex, and some forms or levels of vulgarism can be considered evil or sins. This reduces Christians’ options even further.

And so the trouble remains: how best can I create an everlasting desire or longing in my man or my woman?

Esther Perel has tried to answer this question but her answers are still lacking. In short, she suggests enough and long foreplay (her understanding of foreplay is very deep; don’t miss it). In her explanations, Perel encourages good care and or romantic gestures even before the day or hour of sex. In her analysis, Esther thinks that a good relationship is the true foreplay! And this is great!

In our next writings, we will explore her work and other available evidence and fully answer the question: How to create true and long-lasting desire for sex? Thank you!